In another life, tomorrow would have been my third wedding anniversary. In case you’re wondering, yes, I’m very sad. Yes, this entire week has sucked incredibly. No, I don’t want to talk to anyone. That’s why I’m writing this today and not tomorrow.
But I figured I need to do address it somehow, even if it’s only for my own good. So here is the song I wrote for Nate and sang to him on our wedding day. Just in case you’re confused by the chorus, it’s an allusion to Adam and Eve. (Eve was created for Adam, out of his rib, which is inside of him…) I don’t think I ever explained that to Nate… I also address Nate part of the time and God part of the time, so “you” is not always referring to the same person. I would have recorded this. But I didn’t.

I still recall the day
When we first met and this all began
We couldn’t see what the future would be
But God had planned it from the beginnning

It’s funny how I didn’t know
How much I’d one day love you so

I believe entirely
God weaves peoples’ lives into tapestries
Palace halls adorned with pictures
Of life’s happenings and the beauty of

And when He wove the lives of us
The colors deepened when they crossed

Chorus: ‘Cause I, I was created for you
And you were made with part of me
Inside of you
It’s strange to think we were always meant to be
Thank You, God.

The beauty of this gift from above
Is a perfect love sprung from imperfect souls
Relying on where our loves comes from, we follow a King
We follow as He leads

Lord, find favor with us
We’re humbled by Your graciousness

Chorus: ‘Cause I, I was created for you
And you were made with part of me
Inside of you
It’s strange to think we were always meant to be
Thank You, God.

Bridge: Yes, let our love grow everyday
No, never let our purpose sway
We, we give our lives to You, oh God
For You, You have given more than enough

Final Chorus: And you, it’s still the thought of you
That brings a smile to my face
‘Cause you are so much more
Than I could ever hope that there could be
In someone out there/
Thank You, God.

If you want to know the truth, I don’t feel very lovey-dovey in this song anymore, just ironic. Kind of like going to weddings used to be all lovey-dovey for Nate and I. We’d smile at each other coyly when no one was looking, hold hands under the tables, and dance like no one else was there during the receptions. Now I listen to promises like, “We’ll be together for the rest of our lives,” and think, ‘No, assuming you survive the 50% divorce rate, you’ll be together for the rest of ONE of your lives.” I even heard the misquote from Ruth at one wedding where they said, “Where you go I will go. Your people will be my people Where you die I will die. May the Lord deal with me ever so severely, if anything, EVEN DEATH, separates you and me…” instead of the scriptural last line that says, “May the Lord deal with me ever so severely, if anything BUT DEATH separates you and me.” That was dumb to promise, wasn’t it?, because there is a 100% chance that the two of them will be separated by death. And yes, I have the curse of the young widow to listen to wedding vows and think that maybe one of them might die, like what happened to Nate after I made those supposedly life-long promises to him. And no one should really be thinking about that on their wedding day. Or living in fear of it any other day. But, honestly, people should listen more to what they’re saying and flippin’ think about it, for crying out loud. Especially if they’re misquoting scripture in their vows to God.
I’m not trying to be so negative, even though I am, maybe. On the flip side, when I hear marital promises made about their future together, but this time including references of eternity (and recognizing the eternity can only be reached through death at some point), that warms my heart. It warms my heart very much, actually. Because it means those people live a non-worldly existence. But, more selfishly, it also encourages me that I loved Nate and just because he died so early on doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. It’s like God saying, “Yes, Lauren. Everyone will die. And, when they do, it doesn’t mean that this day in which they are now marrying each other is annulled. It means that their marriage has a special purpose for a time and they will ALWAYS be very special to each other, even in Heaven, where you’ll be married to Me, instead.” And then I feel better, because that means Nate and I still counted for something, I guess.
I always wonder what divorced and formerly divorced people are thinking during weddings. Hopefully happy thoughts, and not scrutinizing it like I do at the moment. I’ll probably get over it sometime, even if I do still recognize that I would be more careful about what I say in vows made to God. But, I still usually say a prayer, like I do for most couples now, that they enjoy their marriage together. I genuinely want people to be happy in marriage, because that is how I can be more at peace with Nate going so early now. Knowing that we did it well, and I gave everything I had to give to him. And so I pray that people will give their all now, so that when one of them dies, they can know they loved well and without regret.
Not such a romantic post for my own anniversary. Not so romantic this year, I guess.
Please no one say they feel sorry for me or wish me a “happy” anniversary. I don’t like “Sorry” for what can’t be helped, and it’s not all that happy.