Thanks so much, everybody, for your comments. They really did encourage me and remind me of happy memories. Yesterday sucked, but not especially. I think I work up to bad days when I know they’re coming by being “off” for a couple of weeks. Then, when the bad day hits, it’s still “off”, but I spread out all my grief over weeks and it doesn’t just hit me like a truck. But I didn’t look at any wedding pictures or read any old love letters. I can save those for days when it’s not as hard to read them.
I woke up to Jack attempting to nurse on my belly button. Hmmm…the weaning thing is, um, coming, but not all parties involved are as willing as I. Other body parts that have been used to try to nurse off of: finger, nose, chin, lips (when I distract him and try to tell him to give me a kiss…french kisses are all he has to give at the moment, apparently), stomach (that one was humiliating and I went and did some sit-ups), knees, shoulder, and arm. He doesn’t really care if the other body parts are satisfying his thirst or not. So that was interesting.
Later in the day, he was pointing to some crosses on the wall, and I said, “That’s a Jesus cross.” And he looked at me and goes, clear as day, “Jesus? Jee–? Jee–?” His first time to ever say “Jesus”. On our anniversary. That was a nice gift.
My mom took us to Cheesecake Factory last night, and I just ate a lot. Then came home.
I’ll level with everyone, I have an extremely hard fall coming up. Every 3 weeks something comes up, it seems. I don’t know if it’ll get easier, or if I am going to be a walking zombie. Next week is Jack’s 1st birthday. Of course, of course I am so excited about it and we will have a party and everything, but it’s just so hard to see him getting bigger without Nate around. He’s already grown so much, and I try not to think about how much Nate will not be involved in. I’ve tried and tried to think of all the ways I’ll incorporate Nate into Jack’s life, but it’s like there’s only so much I can do. Jack loves to look at pictures, thankfully. So he has seen Nathan a lot (even though Jack’s favorite pictures are always of himself, ha ha). 3 weeks after Jack’s birthday is what would have been Nate’s 25th birthday. 3 weeks after that I turn 25. A month after that is Thanksgiving, and Nate died on the 27th right after Thanksgiving. Then Christmas. Then a New Year, again, without him.
Sigh. Even though the holidays are special, I’m just not sure if I’ll ever feel the same way about them again. Anyway, thanks, everyone, for loving me so well. I love you, too.