SCARRED FOR LIFE

This is for my fellow grievers…

It doesn’t really matter what or who you are grieving. Although it really sucks, the way I see it at the moment, you’ve been chosen to go through such a grief. There are some people that never have to go through these things. Now that I am who I am, I’m glad I’m not such a person. It’s like this; although I miss my husband and my old life with an indescribable ache, I do not miss the person I was back then. So foolish. So ignorant. Living day to day and still missing the point of life.

Now, I’ve been scarred for life. I’ll have to live with thoughts of Nate every single day from here on out. I will never be untouched by the harsh consequences of his death and Death, in general. And it won’t get easier. I’ve just found out my dad’s sick. I pray he’ll be completely healed. Even if/when he does, he’ll still die one day. People were never meant to bear up under such heavy things. Well, I guess I can look at this as an unbearable burden to live up under each day, or I can look at it as a blessing that God has brought me closer to seeing the Ultimate Reality. Maybe the Ultimate Reality is that death will overtake us all, but that death is just the beginning of greater things to come. That death is when Life truly begins. The Life we were meant for. Heaven. With God walking with us, touching us, talking to us… But we can only see so little of what is truly out there for us.

It’s just so so easy to forget that down here. Our flesh is weak, the distractions are so many. Immediately after Nate died, it was much easier not to care about petty little things. But as time passed, little worries started infiltrating me again. Now I have to think about these things again: Worrying about money. Thinking about how much it sucks to go from being married with kids to suddenly returning to communal living with roommates, as if my former life never happened. Feeling like I can no longer have children or wouldn’t be able to take care of any more by myself, anyway. Jealousy and anger. Worrying about Jack not having a father or how he will grieve Nate. The fact is we all look like normal people from the outside, but if you could look inside, you would see all the wounds. All we’ve been through. Then I have to, have to remind myself that none of it matters. It’s all an illusion. It’s all a short test. Then it will be over.

Nate wanted to get a tattoo all his life. Isaiah 44:5 written in Hebrew, which says, “One person will say, ‘I belong to the LORD.’ Another will call on the name of Jacob. Another will write on his hand, ‘The LORD’s,’ and he will adopt the name of Israel.” After he died, a group of us went and got ‘The Lord’s’ tattooed on our bodies in his honor. I got it on my wrist, and although I’m not really a “tats” kind of person, I’ve never been so thankful for a daily reminder like this. Scripture, written on my hand, telling me I’m not my own, I’m the Lord’s. I belong to Him. He’s taking care of it all for me. More than that, I look at it, and it’s a big scar. I’m scarred for life by it. I look at it and remember the place He’s carried me from. About 4 months after Nate died, I remember standing in my living room all by myself, crying so hard I couldn’t fully breathe, and yelling, “I don’t want to just get through this. I WANT TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE BY THIS! Never take me back to how I was before. Never let me forget where I’ve come from. But, never, never let me forget where I am going… It’s hard. Make me remember it everyday. Just make me.”

I think that’s still my biggest prayer, besides telling Him He can take me whenever He pleases. I don’t want to be so prideful. I don’t want to be jealous and angry. I want Nate’s death, that was so evil, but God has transformed for the Good, to scar me for the rest of my life. Scars that make it hurt to be moving apart from God or away from Him leading me to Heaven.

Thank you, God.

(And thanks again to Leslie, for taking these. :)