Dear God,

I’m sad today. I was last night, too. At first I thought I was mad at You, and I didn’t know why. But then I realized today was going to be Father’s day, and Jack doesn’t have his father and I don’t have my husband. And I realized I wasn’t mad, but very sad.

I was sad because my most favorite activity to do today would be to make a cheesy sign that I print off the computer that says “The Best Father In The World Award”. I would have Jack color all over it, and would display it on the refrigerator for the next 18 years in a magnetic frame. My most favorite thing to eat today would be a Dark Chocolate Tort with Crushed Raspberries, because Nathan loved sickeningly rich desserts. We would call it the “Sinfully Chocolate Nathan Cake” or something like that. He would try to eat it before it was ready and I would have to slap his hand away with a spatula. But, you know what, for today, I might make extra batter and just let him have it. After all, it would be his day. My most favorite thing to say would be “You’re the most wonderful father and husband in the world! We love you! Happy Father’s Day!” I would teach Jack to say “Happy Father’s Day” in advance. He would probably hug Nathan and laugh at him a lot, because Nathan is his papa, and he knows Nathan, and they love each other a lot. But my most favorite thing of all would be hugging Nathan today, because our family is very huggy like that.

But it would be creepy to make a sign for Nate today when he’s been dead for a year and a half. For the same reason, he obviously would never taste the Sinfully Chocolate Nathan Cake made especially for him. And I can’t say nice things to him or tell him he’s a good father because Jack hasn’t seen him since he was 3 months old, and I will spend all my years telling Jack stories about the father he will never know. But worst of all, I can’t hug him at all, and I also sometimes falter at using the word “family” when referring to Jack and I because I don’t know if a single mother and child even deserve the wholesome and unbroken title of “family” in such a dysfunctional and broken state. I guess it’s humiliating even if the dysfunction and brokenness aren’t anyone’s fault.

So I was mad at you about the unfairness of these things, God, but if I promise to just be sad instead then maybe You’ll comfort me somehow. I asked You to bring back Nathan for a day. Selfish, I know. Nate would probably not even want to come back to this unglorious old place, but I need him anyway and thought I would ask. I really ache right now, nothing is easing, but maybe one more day with him. Just one. Having said that, I won’t really be looking out for him…

Sometimes I wish I didn’t still love him as much, so it would be easier. But then I wouldn’t be human. The pain at least lets me know my heart still remembers the man who once made the earth turn in my eyes.

Anyway, if he even cares now, let him know I love him, miss him, and wished him a happy father’s day today. Please help him to at least just remember me, because, once upon a time, I made the earth turn in his eyes, too.

All the same…I love you, Jesus. I know if You don’t fix it today, You will one day.  Thank You for Heaven.  My blindness relies upon Your sight.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

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