I sure hope everyone had a merry Christmas! Christmas went by relatively smoothly for me, which is a miracle in itself. I only got a little sad, except for when we went to the Christmas Eve service at church, and I suddenly felt sadness everywhere, realizing Nate should have been there. So, I sat there in the pew– I don’t think you could’ve seen an outward change on me if you were staring at me–and started to think of ways that would make me not be sad anymore. The best plan I could come up with was to quickly lean forward, bash my head into the back of the chair in front of me and knock myself out. In my mind’s eye, when I came to, everyone from church would be bustling about me, and I would no longer realize where I was or what had happened, much less be sad about Nate. Fortunately, I chose not to do this, for the sake of a beautiful service. Perhaps a little more wisely, I also came to the conclusion that knocking myself out in public places is not the way to deal with my problems.
And, for all my crazy thoughts, everyone around thought I was just normal and enjoying the Christmas service. Hmmm. Makes me wonder what the people sitting next to me in church or at restaurants are really thinking…
1 January, 2008 at 3:01 pm
your last comment is something i have really thought about this year. walking through stores with christmas music playing and people shopping and me wanting to scream “DO I HAVE TO LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC EVERYWHERE I GO???” it made me think that not everyone IS so happy during the holidays – we really don’t know what other people are experiencing personally or what personal tragedies they may be dealing with. as i’ve sat in church these last few weeks, trying to sing with tears streaming down my face and my mouth scrunched up in that ugly cry-way, i just didn’t care. i figured that dang it i was sad and if it bothered anyone so what and maybe, just maybe, someone else was sad too and they would share it with me. however, i must say i never thought of banging my head on the chair in front of me….you inspire me with your creativity.
1 January, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Sometimes, I get so tired of looking at the same old pictures hanging on my walls that I have visions of throwing them off the walls onto the floor and hearing the glass shatter and then walking over the glass with my bare feet. When spoke this desire out loud to someone recently, I think they were a little concerned about me. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my mental physicalness.
1 January, 2008 at 9:09 pm
jan- thanks. i give all credit and glory of knocking myself out to the lord. let me know if he gives you any good ones.
leslie- that just makes me laugh. it also makes me love you, bc you are so gentle and feminine–and then you let us know the visions from inside your head (i’m also remembering wanting to throw the laundry basket across the room until it broke into a million pieces, or who could forget “don’t pokeme in the belly”), and then i know not only are you gentle and feminine but you are also slightly eccentric. i love eccentric people and try my hardest to be one. thank you for being a sort of mentor to me in that.
2 January, 2008 at 12:08 am
lauren, i was laughing today as i read a list of things i like to do. one of the first items was “smash/hit/hurl things until completely shattered/battered/out of sight”
hmm. normal?
we’re all crazy with thoughts like that. and the people who don’t have them. well, i just don’t think there are any of those people.
i love your off the wall thoughts. my off the wall thoughts feel more at home with yours there to join.
2 January, 2008 at 8:15 am
I am sorry to say I have experienced few such thoughts. I remember something along this line back when I was nine or ten years old, but I began suppressing back then. However,I am praying God will again free me to become a “real” person. I think Tim and Mandi could tell you I’ve made a little progress…
3 January, 2008 at 9:37 am
I’m glad you didn’t go ahead with your knockout plan. The person in front of you may have at the same time decided to lean back for a nice stretch/yawn and then both of you would have been concussed and you would have an ‘assault with a headly weapon in a Christmas eve service’ charge on your hands which is no fun at all, believe me.
3 January, 2008 at 10:11 am
charge with a headly weapon? oh my. wish i’d thought of that.
3 January, 2008 at 11:35 am
Okay, well this both grieved me and made me laugh. Geez, I think I am going to just start asking strangers, “Quick! What are you thinking about right now?”
3 January, 2008 at 12:18 pm
yeah, i heard of someone charged with
“assault with a headly weapon” once. they just had to pay a big fine and have their head taken away for a few months. it wasn’t that bad…
3 January, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I couldn’t handle that. I’d lose my mind!
4 January, 2008 at 11:08 am
hey, i sent you some dates on facebook. love ya
4 January, 2008 at 8:34 pm
lauren,
i attend the village and found your blog recently. know that the lord has used you and your honesty to minister to my heart. through tears and laughter, you truly are a blessing! ps.. mr. jack is absolutely precious!
6 January, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Your thoughts are so intriguing.
I can only imagine what it would be like if at any given time we could hear what was going on in the minds of our fellow life walkers.
I think we would love more.
7 January, 2008 at 10:44 pm
I was having A DAY several years ago. One of those where everything was frustrating and backwards and nothing I did worked. I finally had it and banged a wall with my fist…and broke the wall! I felt so much better.
While I wouldn’t recommend concussing oneself, doing a little therapeutic demolition from time to time is very healthy! Smash away!